Nora Knows Best

When Nora Ephron, my writing idol, died this week, the outpouring of loss across the world has been enormous. The best tributes were on US Esquire, which Nora wrote for on occasion. I went through Stephen Marche’s list of her best lines. This was the first one.

“Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.”

The others were good but this was the best. Think about the man you are flirting with, fucking, dating or married to.

Would you want to be across him in a mediation session? Can you see yourself getting your kids from him every other Sunday?

Many men are bullies. They showed their hand before the big day and still the girls walked down the aisle, smiling, hoping they could change them and pretending it didn’t happen, it doesn’t matter.

Guess what? You can run but you can’t hide.

I know of a girl who left a brief marriage after his anger turned on her. The therapist warned her this was coming. First he would abuse strangers when they travelled or when out for dinner, then abused his staff, then her friends and next her family and then one day, it was her turn. The anger was deep and unrelenting, a firestorm of bullying and menacing.

Then there’s the story of the friend, whose oldest friend was punched in the nose on her wedding day by her new husband, because she wouldn’t get out in the pouring rain, to fix the windscreen wipers on the bridal car.

Once I sat in my car with a friend who was having serious relationship problems.  I remember our seatbelts were still on but the engine was off.

I said, ‘You can have anything you want. You can have him, of course you can. You can wheedle and manipulate and wear him down but at what cost to you?’

So she left him and is now with one of the good ones. One she didn’t have to mastermind to love her the way she deserves.

I would rather be alone forever than be stuck with an asshole.

And yes, I could easily be divorced from Dave. He is the most fair, measured, sensible person I have ever met who ALWAYS puts the kids first. He won’t skip out on child payments or not turn up to see them. He knows what’s right.

And don’t think I haven’t thought about it. Twenty two years together means at least five years of time when we have hated each other, talked about letting go, moving on, separation and blaming. But never bullying.

So the advice from Nora is the best advice I could ever say to my daughter, niece or friend.

“Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.”

Thank you Nora Ephron.