Advice: What I Know 101

I know of this woman. She married a musician after a few weeks of them meeting. She is gorgeous and her husband is too cool for school, and they were amazing together. And then they had a child.

Children need schedules and they demand consistency, and this doesn’t always fit in with the life you think you were meant to have. WTF? I know, right.

Yes, you got married and had a baby super fast and are doing up a house while managing a new baby but did you make any room for your old life in your new life? This is what I want to ask her, except I don’t know her well enough to ask such personal questions.

Relationships are hard to keep fresh. I get it, because I have lived it.

You have to try and keep the threads of commonality alive, through the years, and the hurdles.

This girl I mentioned, and her husband gave up everything they loved before kids for their kids, and now…now she has just announced they are separating. It makes me sad because she is so sad. Neither wanted this to happen and neither can work out why it is ending like this.

The reason for them ending, I’m sure, is that they let go of what brought them together.

My own marriage has been a minefield at times. There are days when I am sure we are both plotting our escape and days when we did discuss an ending but right now, fingers crossed, we are in peacetime. The times we have struggled is when we let go of what bought us together and our shared interests.

Mostly what we like to do as a couple, is look at second hand stores, bookshops, art, improve our surroundings and our minds and laugh at our children. (I swear the only reason we had them was so I could dance with them and Dave could tease them. It’s his hobby, hanging shit on our kids. As a result they are quickwitted and have a nice solid groove on the dance floor.)

When we stop doing these things, we stop moving forward as  a couple. When we stopped sharing the same professional goals, our marriage suffered. When we stopped playing with out kids, they stopped being happy. When we stopped improving ourselves and our surroundings, we went backwards.

Constant forward motion is what pushes your relationship into the future.

Don’t stop doing what you did before children, please. Keep that part of your relationship alive by making time for it goddammit.

If you went to dinner often as a couple in the beginning, the go to dinner now whenever you can. Make it a priority. If you did sports then, then do it now. If you went and saw music, then bring it back into your lives. You getting it?

Don’t stop being a couple. Please.

That is all.

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