Shadchen Kate

You know I love gossip. This blind item was posted back in April.

They have passed the five-year point, so the marriage is over! They are living separately, their public appearances as a couple are down to once or twice a month (tops), and any time together is as much about keeping the child/ren connected to the whole family as it is to be seen together for the paparazzi.

Here’s the timing for the announcement of the split: He has two big projects this year. She has already agreed to chip in and help promote the first project with red carpet appearances and positive interview mentions. If that occurs (and we believe it will), the official split will be announced during the summer lull. If she takes an additional payout and waits until after the second release, the announcement will be made approximately New Years 2013.

Bam!

Meanwhile, the uniting factor between the wives, besides the fact they married a Xenu lover, is that they were all 33 when they separated.

A study by Friends Reunited, a British social-networking site, found that 70% of respondents over the age of 40 claimed they were not truly happy until they reached 33.

“The age of 33 is enough time to have shaken off childhood naiveté and the wild scheming of teenaged years without losing the energy and enthusiasm of youth,” Said psychologist, Donna Dawson.

Ha!

The other numbers that matter?

The fact that each of the wives are from a different decade. 1956, 1967, 1978.

So this means his next wife will be born in 1989.

Let’s look at some potential wives from the Hollywood wading pool.

Nina Dobrev – Star of The Vampire Diaries. Not a movie star…yet.

Elizabeth Olsen – Star of Martha, Marcy May, Marlene. The film is about a girl escaping a cult, so she should be locked and loaded for whatever comes her way in a marriage to TC and Xenu.

Taylor Swift – The once innocent country music star who dated John Mayer. Which shows she has appalling taste in men, so TC is a sure thing.

Lily Collins-  Star of Mirror Mirror. If she and Tom Cruise ever had a baby, it would just be a single eyebrow, called Frida.

Riley Keough – Daughter of Lisa Marie Presley, the granddaughter of Elvis. Lisa Marie is already familiar with the ways of Xenu and was once married to the King of Cray – Michael Jackson. It’s almost a perfect match except….for one more….

Nicole Travolta-  The winner is Nicole because she is the niece of John Travolta, the biggest hairpiece in the closet. She is trying to be an actor with a small amount of luck. She  is perfect for TC. Indoctrinated, needs the connection, right age, right look.

Seriously. I am the best shadchen ever. Yes? Patti Stanger got nuffin’ on me.

Happy Monday.

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