Celebrity: Uninstalling Suri

I watched Regarding Henry the other night. Which got me thinking about stupid film titles from the 90’s and early 2000’s. The ones that a present infinitive verb followed by a subject noun, often a name. Raising Arizona, Educating Rita, Being John Malkovich, Saving Private Ryan and my personal favorite, Boxing Helena.

So when I saw this picture of Suri, it made me think of movie of the week title.

Uninstalling Suri – The Reprogramming of a Child

Here is Suri playing at Central Park with other kids.

The great thing about kids is that if you add water or a playground,  you have insta-friends. Suri looks as happy as I have ever seen her in any pap photo. This is why this image makes me happy. She is just another kid on a tyre swing. Good times.

So what? You say.

This is a big deal, especially if you’re the spawn of the 2IC to the Scientologikals.

In Scientology children, like adults, have a right to self determine. So Suri, like most 5 year olds who think they’re all that, and was seen around the Planet rockin’ some mini Jimmy Choo’s and a Polly Pocket sized Birkin bag.

Then Katie got herself a Hotmail address and a burner phone then levitated out of the 2IC’s life.

The road to getting Suri into being a kid has been swift and sudden, according to peeps in NYC and by all accounts, it’s working.

So here’s  my documentation of Katie’s reprogramming of Suri from the Cray World of Clearwater.

Suri was seen lusting after a puppy in a pet store but Katie said no.  Suri cried. And then Suri got over it.

Suri went to a ceramic store and painted shitty objects that Katie will have to keep for the next fifteen years. I have the same objects in my own home.

Suri learned to ride a bike.  Booyah! Rockin’ the streamers Miss Thang.

Suri went to the Zoo.

And then she went back to the park.

Yes, I know this is strategic from Katie’s camp, ‘Look how great we’re doing,’ and while Suri is in the public eye she is safe. Safer than in the Telluride estate, behind the closed doors with only other Scientologikals as company.

An everyday childhood is a gift. Just ask anyone who didn’t have one. Normal is okay, better than okay. Parks, activities, other kids, learning to negotiate and share, hearing the word no, all of these form us into functioning people.

My dear friend Pip, a specialist who works with kids, tells me that the best way to get a child who has come from a damaged background on the road to healing, is to put them into childcare or kindergarten. Kids help other kids adapt.

Now the next step is getting Katie some sassy girlfriends. She needs a Miranda, a Samantha and a Charlotte stat.

I’m thinking Michelle Williams and Katie should be insta-friends. Cute non? And then Jason Segal will introduce Katie to a witty friend of his and they will double date and then….shit… I think I have my next book 😉

Happy Saturday readers.

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