Did you survive the wedding from hell in Game of Thrones this week?
Christ, is there anything worse than a bad wedding?
I have been to a few clanger events during my time. Once there was such sparse food that people were physically attacking wait staff as they left the kitchen with their silver trays. I just got drunk and then found a lonely half a pill in my purse from a disco in days gone by, and proceeded to get off my face.
Another time, I saw a bride tell her bridesmaid and sister tell her sister to ‘go fuck herself and jump off a bridge,’ because she didn’t know where the brides bolero jacket had been placed. (Yes, it was the 90’s)
Or bad music. You know the nights where everyone is drunk, wants to dance but the DJ put on some crap that he thinks is cool but no one else knows and slowly, the dance floor empties while the bride is in a flap, crying, ‘Why isn’t anyone dancing?’
Or the wedding where we all knew the marriage was doomed before it had begun, and that’s all the guests were talking about in hushed, funereal like tones as we sipped wine. (Yes, the marriage lasted under a year.)
Or the crazy Aunt who caused a scene in the bathroom, over stretched in her tight jacket, burst the seam, so bugle beads covered the floor, making it feel like the inside of Liberace’s mind?
Or the deeply religious morning wedding, where we all sat on the outside of the room, on plastic chairs, while the bride (dressed in full meringue and veil) served the sandwiches she had made for the event on plastic trays. (No alcohol allowed.) Later in the morning, I found her while quietly weeping into her orange juice, hiding in the kitchenette of the church hall, where they held the event. (Sometimes there are no words. I wished I had given her the pill from my previous crap wedding, at least she would have had a good time for part of her marriage.)
I have been to some great weddings though.
The best wedding I ever went to was held in a friends back garden. The bride wore a vintage prom dress and arrived in an old car, decorated with flowers. He played beautiful piano accordion as she walked through the garden gate, and down the path towards him. It was non religious but deeply spiritual. The food was amazing, the company fun and the wine was incredible. It was small, personal and as cute as a button.
And yes, they’re still married.