New Year. New Honesty.

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I have blogged since 2007. When I started my first blog, Spiritual Business,  I promised to be honest. I was honest, even if it upset people. I know I upset people. Then I stopped being as honest as I started to have books released and fell into the trap of pretending everything was gold, and life was beautiful 24/7.

Sometimes I would weave in some honest posts but again, they didn’t resonate or they got me into trouble with people in my life.

Ah fuck it, I thought this morning. This blog doesn’t really have anything to do with my books or my ‘brand’ as my publishers call it. No, it’s always been for me and no one else. if you choose to read it or disagree, then it’s none of my fucking business.

These are my morning pages, as Julia Cameron calls them. My confession and my ‘to do list’. My diary, my last will and testament.

This year I promise myself to make it real, keep it real, find the connections and the beauty in reality.

My Buddhist friend said to me the other night that there is suffering all around us, but it’s really just an illusion. It’s true, I think…maybe.

But the suffering feels real, doesn’t it?

I have to make some big decisions this year. I am making them now as I write. Letting go. I can’t fight the inevitable anymore. I have tried and it nearly killed me. I have to let go and disappoint people and have them hate me. That’s how it is and that’s how I will survive.

I am a disappointment to many but I can’t be perfect. I don’t pretend to be perfect. I don’t have perfect kids, nor a perfect home. I have a fledgling career as a writer, I have a struggling business. I am a failure as much as I am success. I am human and trying my hardest to be a good person.

I have made mistakes, but I apologise. I guess  this is what makes a person accountable; when they say, ‘I fucked up, forgive me’. Those who don’t are kidding themselves. There is no peace in rigidity.

Being right isn’t always the answer. Your right is my wrong. Nothing is real and everything hurts and this is how it is right now.

And so it goes.

Keeping it real.

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