Picture this. 7pm at night. Husband watching True Detective finale. I’m trawling the net, looking for this lamp I’ve wanted for about two years, when I find the EXACT one I want on a second hand site. I email the seller, and he contacts me. I can come now, I offer. He agrees to see me, because he wants to be rid of it, fast. And because I’m tight and know a bargain when I see one, we make the deal.
This is what happens next.
Me: Can you drive me to look at a lamp?
Him: What? (Not taking eyes of television)
Me: Can you drive me to Prahran to look at a lamp? It’s really good, but I don’t want to get raped and murdered all for a silk shade.
On screen, Matthew ‘McBongo’ Mcconaughey head butts someone.
Some weird dude is now having sex with his sister, while a body with his lips sewed up is chained to a bed.
Me: I’d take myself, but I don’t want to end up with my lips sewn up.
Him: Alright let’s go.
No other questions. At. All. Nothing. He just accepts that on a Monday night, I’m lamp shopping. He doesn’t even ask to see a picture of the lamp.
We drive to house, which is dead posh and filled with Asian chachkas and books.
Talk to the man about the lamp. View it, buy it, so cheap for so much quality, it would flip you out if you were into lamps. I’ve scored a winner here. Listen to the provenance from the man in loafers, then head out to car, where I insist I will carry the large object on my lap, peering over the silk shade.
Him (looking at me): You’re a nutter.
Him: You’re going to drive home like that? Peering around the lamp. I can take off the shade.
Me: Of all the things that’s happened tonight; you think that me holding a lamp on my lap, that I saw on the internet, that I bought from a couple in a house filled to the brim with stuff and paid almost nothing for, is weird?
Him: No, I think pretty much everything you do is weird.
Me: I choose to see it as adventures. You like adventures with me, don’t you?
Him: That’s what it’s all about isn’t it? Adventures with Kate.
He was serious.
I like him but I like my lamp more.