People are funny

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I can’t sleep, as I think I’m getting sick and I have too much on my mind.

I ate my toast and drank my tea at 5.30am, and read a thread on Reddit, What is the most cringeworthy/embarrassing way you tried to “be cool”?

Laughing ensued. More laughter. So much laughter I woke Dave up, who thought I was crying hysterically. I was. Just not in a bad way.

These are some of the comments that made me laugh.

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In eighth grade, during “dress down day,” I wore ski goggles like Seth Green from Can’t Hardly Wait.

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In middle school, I had a belt clip for my flip phone… I thought it made me look professional… it didn’t.

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When I was 15 I wore a newsboy cap and a sweater vest, trying to capture a “throwback” look. In pictures, I look like a skinny kid dressed up as a nursing home resident.

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My mum just bought be a biker jacket and Liar Liar was just being advertised for cinema. I thought it would be cool if a started talking in a cockney accent and asking “av yew seen the new Loir Loir movie Guvna ” I kept it up for about 3 days until my mum finally took the jacket off of me.

I was a 7 year old Scottish girl.

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When I was in 6th grade my parents talked me in to going to a week long church camp. I knew of, but didn’t know personally any of the kids going, but they sold me that everyone would praise Jesus, ride horses, and have a good time. I decided to go. It was like a 6 hour drive in one of those big white vans. Quickly everyone started whipping out their CD cases and exchanging music and I instantly was like FUCK. I only had 2 CD’s: Britney Spears “Baby One More Time” and Everclear. I was a really weird kid. Everyone was trying to talk to me about music and I had honestly never heard of any of the bands they were talking about. I just wanted to jam some Britney to myself. So naturally, I went the elitist route, said I had all of that music and I was listening to some new underground private shit they hadn’t heard of.

Once we get to camp all I’m thinking is let’s find some friends quick because I can’t talk to these kids anymore. I go to the pool and make some friends with a few older kids. There were 3 girls, 2 guys, and me. They were all in 8th grade so obviously they were really cool. Plus, I thought the girls were really hot. I figured this would be the best time, if any, to get my first kiss. Their windshield wipers were turned up to the maximum with all the game 6th grade me was spitting. We decide to leave the pool and walk around the camp till we all had to have a group meet up. The “cabins” were separated by grades so they said they would walk by the 6th grade cabin and pick me up.

First thing I do is put on my freshest outfit. Great time to break out my fresh white T-shirt. Can’t forget my jean shorts. This was pre faded denim, so this was the industrial bright blue jean shorts. It’s summer in Texas so I might was well top the outfit off with knee high white socks. And, of course, for the bitches… Doc Martens. I looked like a weird redneck lumberjack. So I walk out and they’re kind of like wtf, but whatever. It’s kiss time. We start walking and one of the older guys farts and all the girls laugh. Boom. Found my in. My friend Travis and I have been making fart jokes for quite some time so i’m up to speed on this area of humor. Bam, the other guy farts and all the girls laugh even harder. Got em. Now I’m thinking all I have to do is drop the biggest fart and literally the girls are going to laugh so hard they’re going to each kiss me one by one. I start clinching and squeezing my stomach as hard as I can. I’m walking like a newborn deer. Then I feel it. Got a big one ready. So, instead of just dropping it out and laughing I wanted to make a big show about it. I run in front of the small group, squat down, turn just my head around, and forcefully shit myself. This was all out diarrhea. If you didn’t know this before, early 90’s denim was the least forgiving fabric in the world. EVERYONE knew I shit. It’s running down my leg, being soaked up by my knee high socks. Instantly, I just react and start running. Kicking up shit like mud off a truck. I’ve never been to this camp before so I’m just running for anything. I find a bathroom toss the socks, boxers, shirt, but I couldn’t drop the jorts. I can’t just walk across the CHURCH camp naked. Plus at this point i’m thinking maybe they didn’t really see it. I was really confident in my speed at the time so I was thinking I could say that’s my thing. I drop giant farts and run before the smell catches me. Come to find out, not only were the 5 people I shit in front of outside the bathroom waiting for me, but there were like 25 kids. Instantly, I just ran in my doc’s and jorts combo back to the cabin I was staying in with the other kids chasing me and yelling “shit pants”

I run to my bed to find all the music nerds I drove up with going through my cd case. It only has the 2 cds. They are like wtf? Thought you had TONS OF SECRET MUSIC BRO. Wait, did you shit your pants? So yeah that was about 4 hours in to a week long trip. I really thought farting would impress these girls. I lost my favorite pair of jorts and my pride that day.

TL;DR tried to kiss some girls, ended up with jorts full of shit

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I think the last one is my favourite. Not because of the poop, but because of the use of the word jorts.

Jorts. It’s my word du jour.

Happy Thursday.

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