Thank God It’s Goopday

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Opening up Goop’s newsletter this morning, I rolled my eyes…again.

Can someone please tell Tracey Anderson, that what she’s doing is Zumba?

And why do I find her green leggings so distracting?  She’s like a pocket Tom Thumb.

Then Goop recommends a book with the entitled title- Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time

Yeah. Okay. Goop doesn’t have time for funzies because she does everything herself, including knitting a hair shirt and nailing herself to a cross. She cooks chicken (can she cook anything else? Stop with the roast chicken videos) does Zumba, and is colour coding collating her wardrobe. She has no staff of any kind? Um…can I get a ‘bullshit’?

She also recommends a book with the impossible title – A Constellation of Vital Phenomena.

*nods wisely*

What the hell does that even mean?

I’m sure it’s a good book, but I did she really read it? She just said she didn’t have time. What with her chicken basting, and Zumba and so forth. She just liked the title. I’m sure she’s using it in everyday conversation now.

Chris: Need anything down the shop?

Goop: A constellation of vital phenomena is written on this organic note, made from papyrus that I grew in my sustainable garden, out the back of my Pilates studio/Japanese tea house.

Chris: Wha?

Goop: Here’s the fricking shopping list.

Then she writes about a cleanse.

Hey Goop, guess what? Cleanse are bullshit. Cleanses are the new eating disorder. Poop is how we get rid of our crap (and Goop’s roast chicken). Don’t put crap in, and you won’t have so much crap to get rid of. Crap Lesson 101.

My friend the doctor, who specialises in eating disorders says that cleanses usually happen when people are trying to punish themselves for an experience or an emotion.

*nods knowingly* Yes darling, I’m looking at you.

Then she  waxes on about where to get a wax and by that I mean geographically, not anatomically.

 

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And finally, she gives you the pleasure of buying a $275 cushion for your overpriced, bullshit uncomfortable sofa, by some famous designer with an unpronounceable name.

Maybe just put this on the sofa, Goop.

dollar_bills_throw_pillow

 

Happy Friday Goopsters!

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Thank God It’s Goopday”

  1. Once upon a time I used to love Goop landing in my feed on a Friday morning. Now I look at the unopened email with disdain but for some silly reason unknown to me I have not unsubscribed even though it has absolutely nothing to add to my life

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