I’ve been meditating every day. Sometimes more than once a day.
It’s like an instant , just add Ohm.
Of course, I have now just received my first head cold in years. However I’m happy to have this head cold, as I recently learned that an oncologist told a friend it’s important to get minor illnesses so your immune system knows to turn on.
I think my immune system has been off for years which is why all the debris came my way and stayed.
Eighteen months ago, I visited my friend in Perth and I saw this amazing masseuse. He’s a medical doctor and a yogi, and for six months of the year, he heads to tropical FNQ to catches venomous snakes so he can milk them to make anti-venom. Yes, he is a real person just with an extraordinary life.
He gave me the most intense massage/message/assessment/grounding and told me things about myself that made sense but hurt to think about.
Last night, during a meditation on hindrances, I understood what he was saying. It only took me 18 months! (I never said I was a fast learner.)
Everyone has a personal favourite hindrance in their psyche and body. Mine is aversion otherwise known as ill will, or anger, or ego. Rejecting the experience for fear of being hurt. Jesus, this sums up my life in every way. Hanging onto weight because I feared looking good and having people pay attention to me, staying in toxic relationships because I feared the repercussions if I left, railing against things not being the way I want them and then blaming others, not speaking out for fear of being rejected so attributing my ideas to others, being angry at others when really I was angry at myself, avoiding everything because it might just cause me pain.
Even fear of a goddamned head cold.
I have been fearful from as early as I can remember. I said no to so much because of fear. Fear is a nasty feeling.
The last year I have dealt with some of those fears. Losing weight because I want to feel better, not look better has been an anchor through a tough time. It’s the weight of the soul, not the weight of the ego that I’m letting go of. Letting go of toxic friendships after seeing the real fear that kept me there was not about losing them but the fear of the reaction, which was as poisonous and tormenting as I feared but I coped.
Recognising aversion as my personal theme is the only task. There is nothing more to do. Seeing when this happens in my everyday life, and then being with it until it moves on; because it will, everything does, nothing is permanent. That is all I have to do.
Yesterday I read a quote that stated that I must draw a circle around me and inside is it everything I am responsible for. Yep. The Ring of Responsibility. I like it. As a member of Worriers Anonymous, I see how worry is a form of control. If I worry then I am exerting influence on the situation and that must mean I’m controlling something, right?
Just be with the breath. Being mindful of my aversion to accept things the way they are will help me clear it. Control is an illusion.