For those who know me well, they understand I slip in and out of my hippie sandals. Sometimes I abhor magical thinking, and other times, it’s all that keeps me on the planet.
Lately, it’s too hard to ignore. There have been many signs and connections all around me that I just have to accept and be grateful that I made it through the last two 23 months, and see what’s happening as the culmination of an insane time.
The final nail in the coffin came yesterday when I realised my emails hadn’t been clearing off the server, and I had 30,000 emails to download, sort out, and clear, starting from 23 months ago. The start date of this walk down memory lane was 1/1/14, to be exact.
If that isn’t a kick in the face to remind you to see what happened I don’t know what is, so I spent most of last night making faces as the emails came through, and I rewound through the fuckery of 2014/15.
Illness, broken limbs, cancer, depression, illness, financial stress, failure, cancer, illness, pain, death, cancer, pain, grief.
I used to keep a “good things jar”, where I listed all the good things that had happened to our family throughout the year and read them aloud on New Year’s Eve. There have been few good things in the jar for the past two years. Don’t roll your eyes at me! I am serious. If it could break or get sick, or leave, or fuck up, this was the time that it did.
HOWEVER, don’t we all feel better after a storm? Don’t get me wrong, I would change much of the last two years and while I am a better person for going through the shitstorm, I wish it didn’t have to be at the cost of others death, pain and loss.
It’s not that I’m pessimistic now, far from it, the only thing that got me through the last two years was hoping that it would get better and slowly, very slowly, it did.
Now I have one emails in my inbox. One. Unbelievable.
So if you have emailed me over the past week, and I haven’t responded, it’s not that I’m rude, I literally didn’t have any space for them. But I’m all clear now.
Bring on the good stuff.